Category Archives: Personal

Identity – Who I was, who I am, who I want to be.

I’ve had a lot of time for reflection over the past couple of months. I reflect a lot on who I was, less on who I am but I don’t think nearly enough about who I want to be. I’m someone that dwells on past mistakes all too often, rethinking and overthinking past decisions and mistakes. In the past couple months, and definitely more so in the last week, I’ve been trying to look ahead at who I want to be.

This past year I’ve been with someone who was wrong for me and I was wrong for her, though I think I came out worse off. I’ve become socially withdrawn, begun to fail in my work, let my health slip and spent far less time with my family than I should. I had a little niece born 6 months ago and I’ve seen her maybe 3 or 4 times, it hit me hard when I saw her on Saturday and as soon as I held her she cried. Maybe she was tired, maybe she didn’t like my aftershave, maybe any number of logical reasons. Or maybe I’m a stranger to my niece and I need to do more, be more.

Life is going to be tough, I pay extortionate rent and have an ex who still has keys. I work long and weird hours and don’t earn enough. It will be enough to keep me down, and make who I am continue into eternity if I let it.

Instead, here, I make a promise. Nothing grand such as an instant turn-around. No ground-shattering transformations. First up, I will build my self-esteem, centering around my health and the looming half-marathon I’ve signed up to in March. I will work out 3 to 4 times a week, even if it’s a small 20 minute session in the flat with free weights. I will try to stick to Wed/Fri/Sun as a minimum, and blog on a Sunday evening with my successes and failures. I want my new me, my new Identity to be someone who cares about himself. Secondly, every day off I will achieve my 10k steps. Today I’ve managed a grand total of 612 at 10pm. I regularly achieve 30k+ at work and so I’m not worried there. This has a secondary bonus of meaning I stop myself being as much of a shut-in. Lastly, I will see my family once a month minimum.

More will come, but for now that is enough for me to begin with. I need a social hobby (outside of gaming) but one step at a time.

Daily Prompt : Identity I have no idea if I’ve done this right, but there it is!

My Week Off Work

I’ve been on holiday from work the past week, I had nothing planned and had booked it just to use up my holiday allowance. Essentially I would have still been with my ex-girlfriend at this point but obviously things didn’t work out. I set myself objectives of things to do, you know, the usual.. daily walks, pop into work to catch up on my work load (I’ve let things slip the past few months), offer to meet-up with friends and just generally get outside more.

I’d even looked at meet-ups, has anyone done any? Or had any success? I think on paper it is a great idea, but for anyone with remote social anxiety it’s a nightmare. If it were a new group, and no one really knew each other I’d probably be more comfortable, but trying to integrate into a social group that’s already got it’s own “in-jokes” horrifies me. I’d be the weird guy that turned up to one meet-up, stood around awkwardly before dissolving into the night never to be seen again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a social guy and whenever I tell my friends that I’m shy and socially awkward they look at me like I’m crazy. I just don’t deal well with new people. In all honesty, the majority of the time, I hate people. They’re needy, loud and boring. (Boring to me, different interests and all that) Mostly I can take the time to take an interest, not necessarily fake it, but just give up the effort it takes to be interested in something that, generally, doesn’t interest me. But when it is someone I don’t know, it’s harder for me to do, if there isn’t any kind of connection or basic reason to be there, I’m a lost cause. It’s not that common to find someone who has the same taste as me, beyond looking for a date, most people who ‘game’ will sit down for FIFA or Call of Duty on their Xbox or PS4, at least in the local area and definitely not the places I normally venture.

I did a little Google search for gaming events and venues to check out in London, so I’m going to book a ticket for EGX Rezzed in April, and there are a few Gaming Bars I might check out, though none are really that close to me. I came across a write-up from 2015 by Kotaku that talks about Gaming bars, such as ‘Meltdown’ or ‘Loading @ Scenario’, anyone ever been to either one? Or any other listed in the link? Meltdown looks like a good option to tag along and watch some eSports or some of their local tournaments.

And so, it’s Friday, tomorrow is my last day of holiday and I’m back into work Sunday (Retail worker, I get the fun jobs!). My long list of accomplishments has been to get stood up and then blocked on a Tinder date (I know, I know, pity the fool), take the kitten to the vet (twice! I know!!), play video games, watch Netflix and start this blog. I’d originally planned to update the blog maybe once a week, but sitting around in the flat and feeling sorry for myself it’s become a good outlet, just a good form of putting thoughts to keyboard. There’s enough in this post alone for someone to hazard a guess at who I am if they don’t know already (I’ve not shared this on social media or with my friends in London), though I’m not sure I’m too worried, the people I do know in London really don’t know me that well beyond the facade I put up. At least the promise I made to myself that I’d stop the daily takeaways has been kept for a few days, I’ve not necessarily been super healthy but I’ve at least put something in the oven or prepared something light at home rather than paying a fortune for a substandard meal to be delivered. Small victories!

I’d never really thought of myself as someone who is, would or could be depressed, but I think that’s the stage I’m getting to. Not in any way at the same depth as those that have chronic and serious complications with their lives that stop them from functioning, no. But I’ve had a week off and I’ve not been able to push myself out the door unless I’ve specifically had to, I’ve not showered unless there has been a need (and unfortunately, I woke up late this morning and had to go to the vets after two days of not showering and when I got home I still didn’t shower as I wasn’t going anywhere today. Finally had a bath around 5pm. Please don’t mistake me, when I’m at work or have things to do I function, I shower. I hate going outside feeling unclean.. but when I’ve nothing to do that I don’t specifically have to do, I just can’t muster the energy to do it. Being single worsens that, as there’s no one around to complain about the smell, the cat certainly didn’t mind!

I’ve another week off towards the end of November, and I fully intend to do something with my time. Does anyone have any suggestions? Or even a group or something they know meets up around London.