I’ve had a lot of time for reflection over the past couple of months. I reflect a lot on who I was, less on who I am but I don’t think nearly enough about who I want to be. I’m someone that dwells on past mistakes all too often, rethinking and overthinking past decisions and mistakes. In the past couple months, and definitely more so in the last week, I’ve been trying to look ahead at who I want to be.
This past year I’ve been with someone who was wrong for me and I was wrong for her, though I think I came out worse off. I’ve become socially withdrawn, begun to fail in my work, let my health slip and spent far less time with my family than I should. I had a little niece born 6 months ago and I’ve seen her maybe 3 or 4 times, it hit me hard when I saw her on Saturday and as soon as I held her she cried. Maybe she was tired, maybe she didn’t like my aftershave, maybe any number of logical reasons. Or maybe I’m a stranger to my niece and I need to do more, be more.
Life is going to be tough, I pay extortionate rent and have an ex who still has keys. I work long and weird hours and don’t earn enough. It will be enough to keep me down, and make who I am continue into eternity if I let it.
Instead, here, I make a promise. Nothing grand such as an instant turn-around. No ground-shattering transformations. First up, I will build my self-esteem, centering around my health and the looming half-marathon I’ve signed up to in March. I will work out 3 to 4 times a week, even if it’s a small 20 minute session in the flat with free weights. I will try to stick to Wed/Fri/Sun as a minimum, and blog on a Sunday evening with my successes and failures. I want my new me, my new Identity to be someone who cares about himself. Secondly, every day off I will achieve my 10k steps. Today I’ve managed a grand total of 612 at 10pm. I regularly achieve 30k+ at work and so I’m not worried there. This has a secondary bonus of meaning I stop myself being as much of a shut-in. Lastly, I will see my family once a month minimum.
More will come, but for now that is enough for me to begin with. I need a social hobby (outside of gaming) but one step at a time.
Daily Prompt : Identity I have no idea if I’ve done this right, but there it is!